A submission to “The In-Between,” with a response by Matthew Celestial
Reader submission:
“I think I’m in love with my best friend’s brother. It started as a silly crush — the kind you joke about — but somewhere between late-night hangouts and too-long glances, it became real.
The problem is, I can’t tell anyone. My best friend would be furious, and I’d rather cut my tongue off than risk our friendship. But it’s getting harder to pretend nothing’s happening. Do I tell my friend? Do I tell his brother? Or do I just let it fade?”
Response by Matthew:
It takes a lot to admit your feelings. So I want to honour this space by saying that naming something out loud is incredibly brave. Most people would rather repress desire than confront it honestly, but awareness is the first act of emotional maturity.
Feelings aren’t crimes. They’re signals that show us what we’re yearning for. You haven’t done anything wrong by having them. Attraction often shows us what we desire in our lives like safety, validation, excitement or even recognition. You’re allowed to explore what these feelings mean without rushing to act on them.
Truthfully, maybe this isn’t about your best friend’s brother at all. Maybe it’s about a version of yourself that wants to be chosen, quietly, confidently, without apology. Whatever it is, we all deserve love. And before you decide to do anything, take the moment to honour your truth. Your heart felt something real. No one is allowed to shame you for that. We’ve all experienced it.
It’s remarkable how the brain (and heart) works. We’re all brave for admitting the things we’re “not supposed to feel”. To confess a desire for someone that risks reshaping your world, your friendships, your identity, your sense of control—it all takes more courage than most people realize.
Feelings, even the complicated ones, are evidence of life — of the pulse that keeps us human. They’re the mind’s attempt to make meaning out of longing. You don’t need to punish yourself for what your heart noticed. You only need to understand it.
Attraction doesn’t always have to lead to possession. Maybe, reflection. .
The Psychology of Forbidden Attraction
When something (or someone) feels off-limits, the emotional pull transforms into something biological. Neuroscientist Kent Berridge of the University of Michigan describes two distinct systems in the brain: one for “liking” and another for “wanting.” Dopamine drives the wanting — the chase, the anticipation, the near-miss.
In other words: the tension is the point. It drives us.
The same reward system that fuels ambition and risk lights up when we can’t have what we want. As psychologist Helen Fisher explains in the Journal of Comparative Neurology, romantic love activates the same brain regions as addiction: “the craving, the obsession, the high, and the withdrawal.”
So when you find yourself drawn to someone unavailable, it’s not a moral failure. It’s neurochemistry meeting proximity. Desire thrives on distance.
And then there’s the matter of familiarity.
Attachment research suggests we’re drawn to what feels like home, even when that home isn’t ours. Psychologist Sue Johnson writes that our nervous systems “seek emotional resonance above logic — we bond where we feel safe, even if it’s unsafe.”
So sometimes, magnetism isn’t about the person. It’s about recognition. About meeting a pattern you already know.
What Do We Do With A Feeling Like This?
Start by not shaming it. You felt something real. That’s your truth. But truth doesn’t always demand pursuit. Sometimes it asks for understanding.
If what you crave is validation, start there. If it’s excitement, find new ways to bring that pulse into your life. Not every spark deserves to become a fire.
The Belgian psychotherapist Esther Perel once wrote: “Love rests on two pillars: surrender and autonomy.”
To desire what you can’t have is to experience both at once: surrender to the pull, autonomy in the choice not to follow it. Freedom, perhaps, is learning that attraction is information, not instruction.
The Grace of Letting Go
There’s a quiet kind of love in restraint. The choice to let something exist only as a moment — a look, a memory, a heartbeat that almost became something else. Because sometimes the most romantic thing we can do is nothing.
To hold the feeling, not the person. To see the lesson, not the loss.
So don’t bury it. Don’t dramatize it. Just let it breathe. You are allowed to feel everything and still choose peace. And one day, you may look back and realize this wasn’t heartbreak at all. It was clarity.
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